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The Borg vs. Microsoft Windows

 

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your

attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you

been able to access their command pathways?"

 

<Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching

through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

 

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

 

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

 

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this

program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command

pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming

system resources at an unstoppable rate."

 

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they

alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

 

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a

new

version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources

increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be

able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing

ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal

operational functions."

 

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that

'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

 

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

 

<Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the

command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all

resources.

 

We however have not received any confirmation of the expected

'upgrade'."

 

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and

CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an

'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

 

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if

their is something we have missed."

 

<Data> "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the

'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the

plan by not sending in their registration cards.

 

<Riker> "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin

emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

 

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity

has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

 

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

 

<Data> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module

named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

 

<Picard> "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their

functionality."

 

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

 

<Riker> "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

 

<Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to

compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they

successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep

space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from

something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

 

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"

 

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest

time span of 6 more hours."

 

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

 

<Picard> "Identify."

 

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the

'Microsoft' logo"

 

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE

MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE

CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN

THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND

WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

 

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and

released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

 

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

 

<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward

the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the

tortures of deep space ?!"

 

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look

closer I believe you will see that they are carrying

something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather

briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

 

<Riker and Picard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"

 

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and

sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

 

<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."

 

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it

with all types of papers."

 

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red

tape' it often proves fatal."

 

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

 

<Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not

even the Borg deserve that."

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